The Fragile State of Mind

 The booth in the restaurant is spacious and far enough away from the other ones to feel safe from whatever virus is lurking in the air

The number of covid infections has decreased and there aren't many diners at this time of day

I don't have to obsess over catching covid

Besides I have been vaccinated fully

My friend sitting across the table whose face and chest that extends from the bench in the dimly lit room isn't

He says he's healthy and guarantees it

He maintains his slight congestion is allergies

I believe him with a drop of doubt

I lean back a little on my side of our domain to get some space

I am here today because I want to hear what is exactly inside of him, and from my heart, without judgment

He's a champion of white nationalism and trumpism

I want to understand because until now I carry resentment that I know weighs me down

And my ego has a desire to convert and save him

He says he wants to hear my views and we agree we both want the same thing

That there is peace and everyone should feel equal in our society

We also want to see an end to violence in the streets

I do sense that it is important for him to be able to tell me why he believes the way he does and be heard by me

My heart opens to him as I can feel his vulnerability in this moment

I do sense that a door is ready to close if he reads danger in what I might say

I feel caution

It's like I'm walking on a land mine and the wrong step can be costly

As we begin our conversation it's not long when I notice the tennis match we eventually evolve into

I serve him my experience and practice of white privilege and racism in America

He returns my serve with a stroke of "Blacks are taking up all the jobs and they are racist towards whites"

At this point I am not seeing a tennis ball any more. It's more like a cannonball has been launched and is about to explode in front of my face

My stomach aches with frustration, defeat, sadness

And I feel shock all over 

My body feels like it's shutting down

Finally I get pulled back into the present moment

I am breathing easier

My brain has sent a message that cools off the heat that has permeated inside my chest and torso

It tells me "this is white fragility." The pain and discomfort of having to be accountable for supremacy and privilege is too much for the white psyche. Defensiveness is a protective strategy to avoid having to deal with it. I feel I am supposed to witness this in this moment. He needs to know that I can take in his beliefs, not agree with him and that I won't abandon him. And I need to feel and be with our White shame right now. 

He can feel my presence

I can see his defending his fear and need to be heard

And I realize his reaction is not so different then my reactions have been

I know there is a strong clinging to not give up comfort - privilege - status - power and money 

I know I can still go there 

And I am sitting across the booth watching his body exploding it all at me like a volcano erupting

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