The Darkness underneath white skin

My silence protects me from being consumed by the desperate pulsating waves 

That run down the inside of my chest and stomach

This run away train has been eroding my inner landscape for as long as I can remember

It is mysterious and powerful

When I dare to take a stand, my actions dissolve into silence and I sink into a paralysis of numbness and chaos

I hide in the dark, lonely, night where I pray for survival

I am imbedded into the furniture of a room where I won't be seen

Hidden from the eyes of those who won't gaze through me

I am not to be found out

I reside in obscurity to protect the fragility 

Of my delicate psyche 

That I've learned to hide 

And I run as fast as I can from it

This is my cross to bear

It feels ancient and is bigger than me

It is who I am and more


Today I saw a slight reflection of that haunted area

My protective shield that has guarded this place inside that I've had no stomach to see, hear or feel has cracked

I stumbled upon that part of me that I've been fleeing 

This dark side, the scared, wicked, violent part of my self

Where the soul was in some way betrayed or violated

Where humanity gets turned upside down sometimes into heartlessness

We lose our connection to spirit

Love becomes a stranger

I have been trapped on this jagged, twisted road with no outlets

As I dip my toe in this murky pool somewhere in the crevice deep in the bowels of my being

I realize not just the empty space it leaves inside but the incomplete picture of the world I live in

This unattended apocalypse that has taken over all levels of space inside of me

From the top all the way to the bottom

It has grabbed me from behind whenever I try to make a move

It yanks me backwards and slams me down at all times in all places

I fall down, fall short, when I need to speak and put up

I am not who I thought I was or who people think I am

All the times I gave passes to racist, homophobic, anti-trans, and other white centered, white privileged comments

Because I was too scared.

It will take courage to suck in my breath and stand face to face with my gutter twin brother

Long before I arrived he was born

Who I allowed to plague me every day

And I shrink and constrict

My heart closes off

My entitlement - arrogance - racism - come to life

And I accept the concept of scapegoating marginalized populations


How could I live joyously when I am open only to a partial reality?

I believe we are all under this spell

It is our dark side

Gift wrapped in white skin

My dreams at night tell me to speak up to shout out loud 

That we are all guilty of this crime

When I am just about to make this powerful public announcement

I feel a tightly placed vise grip on my chest that in a jolting shocking manner, pulls me, back shutting me up


I believe until we set ourselves free from this dark force that silences us from speaking truth about our insecure attachment to white privilege and power, we won't experience true joy. I believe joy is the real essence of life. You can't buy that. And if each one of us does our own internal exploration of our "dark side," then as a collective whole we can end hatred, bigotry, racism, trans and homophobia. We can make this world a better place. 






Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Closing My Practice

  The email said she would like to schedule an appointment for counseling with me. She really loves my approach. She wants to work on relationship issues. I made the decision to stop seeing clients the end of April which is five months away. Why is it so hard for me to reply to this person? To tell her I can't see her. On one hand it feels like I'll be rejecting her.  On the other hand it feels like I'll be shutting myself down. And maybe that's what it is. For so long I've been answering emails and phone calls to schedule old and new clients. There were periods of time where a fair number of requests poured in. And there were times where it was pretty thin. Here it is again one more request.  But now it feels like I will be shutting the door and locking it if I tell her I can't see her. The image of turning the key, locking the door, closing shop lands in my gut. There is a sinking, finalized and empty sensation in the middle of my abdomen. It is a grief, a sad
Read more

The Changing Season

  The Changing Season     As the season is changing, I notice how the sun is withdrawing It feels like it needs to take its own space It has given me as much as it can I miss it towards the end of the day The energy it gives me is slowly diminishing I feel a loss An emptiness sinks into my stomach Loneliness becomes my companion As I sit in this moment, in the metamorphosis going on in the atmosphere that pulls my body and soul I want to escape It seems too daunting to navigate the dark days that are waiting for me I feel too fragile to enter the cold that will be outside the front door The threat of being alone in this overwhelms my psyche Yet I have been in this isolation over the last several months And I have been able to manage it With the sun, the warm breeze, the parks, trails, lakes, and trees They have been my companions that have provided me unconditional love They have spoken to me, held me, comforted me, and gave me inspiration I want to take these resources into the tundra
Read more

How I Spend My Time

  I scrutinize how I spend my time. What am I doing that is making someone else’s life better? Do I self-judge or am I just conscience about how much pain there is out there? When I suffer is it just mine or is it everyone’s? Today I sit with a small, black dog, who got to know me in less than a week, And there is an intense closeness, loyalty, that is mutual, We don’t share the same language It is all trust, faith, and even risk taking, She teaches me unconditional connection I know she means the best And she trusts that I do as well As humans we struggle with trust, unconditionality, and taking risks, We attach to belonging, being noticed, accepted, and avoidance of what isn’t comfortable or what can make us look or seem unworthy, We get hung up with how we are perceived And can’t seem to shake off when we are wrong So, we join a cause, a caucus, a colony, to blend in and feel like we are on the right side We will win and defeat those that are against us We have an identity and a hom
Read more