My White Skin

 My white skin

It's a badge that is stained

That plays with my mind

I sometimes call myself white

But it's only my skin

The tragedy is that my whiteness has seeped into my brain and my eyes

I view the world through a white lens

I see others with different shades of skin 

They speak with accents and have unique, even exotic dialects

My whiteness tells me they are "the other"

My brain says "watch out you are in danger"

This how my whiteness sees my world and those who are not white

This planet has many colors that capture my heart

The lush green foliage in the summer

The crystal clear blue hue of the winter sky during a sunny afternoon

I can't help but get drawn into the natural beauty of nature

When looking up and there is a sudden appearance of a rainbow following a dramatic thunder storm it's almost impossible not to get hypnotized by the spectrum of color up above

We live and we exist in living color

Every day

My whiteness goes way beyond skin deep

There is no magic

There is no hypnotizing 

It breaks my heart how my whiteness has turned the beauty of skin color and tone into a pecking order

It is part of our culture to place white men at the top of the heap to profit financially and attain power while all nonwhite people fall in line behind

They are forgotten and kept in their place

They have been disenfranchised

This is what whiteness means 

What my whiteness stands for

It leaves me gasping

Shame rage despair and grief slide out of my gut and up into my chest

And I can't shake the pulsating sensations of being trapped in a white  cage of shame

And I see the painting that my white skin has created

It is a Black and White portrait of a helpless me 

I studied human behavior in college, post college and during my psychotherapy career of over four decades

I learned about feelings patterns relationships trauma and compassion

I counseled many couples and individuals who were in heightened disturbances at critical points in their lives

We made sense of their emotions and what they all needed

And I had compassion and empathy for them

And I learned a lot about myself

I meditated and journaled

I talked with different people about the process and cycles of life

But I was blind to my whiteness

What it means and what it does

To me and those around me

How there was always a barrier between me and my whiteness and those whose skin was darker 

How my white skin cut off my heart from Black and Brown people who were trying to tell me they couldn't breath

And that is a tragedy

They were suffocating and I couldn't see and feel their grace

If only we white folk can challenge our false and irrational perceptions about Black, Indigenous, people of color by steadfastly face our fragile defenses to keep ourselves at the top of our white hierarchy. That is when we will be able to open our hearts to everyone. And that is when we will make change in our selves and in society. And just maybe my Whiteness will transform into something more loving.