My Grief

My Grief

In this pandemic over 150,000 people have died. Over a million people have been infected with the virus. There are countless others suffering lingering effects from the infection. All the lives that have been crushed financially is staggering. It is overwhelming to comprehend the impact, the loss, the devastation of this illness. This could’ve been prevented.

The grief and the heartbreak of this is like a tidal wave that rushes over me, knocks me down, and pulls me into a gorge. It is out of control. I am in a place where I haven’t been before. I feel the deepest grief and startling shock. It is so expansive and attacking. I don’t know whether to dodge, duck, or run through it. I have to shut down. Not feel. My brain tells me to just survive. This is too big for you.

I think about the losses in my life previously such as relationships with friends that were neglected which ended, significant relationships that didn’t last, and losing touch with colleagues after I left organizations. There have been aunts and uncles that died who have impacted me. I think about my mother and father. How my father was in a hospital in Florida for dementia and various physical conditions. When he died I was living in Minnesota. I wish I could’ve spent more time with him at the end. I would’ve liked to have gotten more information about his life.  My mother died in a hospital in Florida also after a series of seizures. Again, I was in Minnesota. I feel I wasn’t thinking clearly about her condition, and I was scared. I didn’t know how to manage my feelings, my life, and my time during that period. I wish I could’ve been there for her during her last days. Most recently I think about what she might say about what is happening in our country and the world. I picture her dramatically describing her distaste of the current administration.  

I used to have two dogs, Hank, before having children, and Buddy, who grew up with our kids. Hank was loyal and gave unconditional love and respect. Even when I wasn’t doing my part of the equation. Buddy listened to his own tune and tended to laugh and scoff at mine. He was a character that the whole family appreciated. Especially at my expense. It is fun to reminisce about him.

I miss Irv, Fran’s dad who passed on way too early. He would’ve enjoyed Jess and Jerry as teenagers and adults. He would’ve been interested in what they are both doing with their lives. He would’ve been totally impressed with Taylor and her job at Google.

I think of the times where I wasn’t fully alive. When I didn’t show up for family, or Fran, or Jess and Jerry. There were situations where I wish I would’ve been more compassionate and focused for Jess and Jerry. I would either sit back, not say anything, or go along with the safe bet. I wish I would’ve been more tuned into Fran and her feelings when our kids were growing up. As a mom, a professional, raising a family, she was under a lot of pressure. She has always been ethical and caring as a psychologist. She put her full self into her work. As a mom she had the value of keeping her kids safe and to teach them how to thrive in the world. At the same time of putting 100 percent effort into her work, she gave all of herself as a mom. There was a whole lot of energy being used by her back then. I wasn’t present enough to make things easier for her and to give the family more learning and wholesome experiences. I think about how life could’ve been for us all if I was more awake and tuned in.

I feel like I missed out by not being more involved with my nieces and nephew when they were younger. I didn’t keep in much contact with them and my sister. I wonder how as a family it could’ve been if I were more connected with them.

As a therapist, I feel I made decisions that weren’t practical, beneficial, and were based on fear. As a result, I lost out on precious time. I went to meetings, trainings, and followed people and events that I thought would bring me success.

I often wonder if I believed in myself more and did not look to others to bring me along, how my professional career would’ve been.

I look back and see my losses and can feel the grief of the different aspects of my life. I can let go of all of that and allow the healing to happen.

The pandemic has wrestled us all to the ground. Throwing us around. It has caused tragedy and upheaval to us all. The life we have all lived is now over.

We are in a new world. Hopefully for the better.

There is grief and loss inside of me over the life and lives we lost.

The journey for me and I feel for us all is to let it all go, to feel the pain, the loss of what was, and to embrace what is to be.

 

When I wake up in the morning, I feel different

It’s like I have an automatic reflex that tells me to be cautious

I have to be safe

Don’t go to where you can be infected

This is a new filter I am still getting to know

Protection from a germ that an unknown face can breathe into me

The huge number of lives that have been lost and changed is carried in us all

But do we dare feel it?

We argue, judge, demean, about politics, making change, and setting ourselves free

And inside us all there is a grief, a deep-seated wound, that has been generations in the making

Throughout the years, we have destroyed lives and the planet, and now we continue to recklessly, selfishly, narcissistically, act flippant with a deadly organism in our midst

I try not to judge, not to demean, not to call out names, and shame

I live in my bubble

I have my routine

I feel the caution, the need for safety, the loss of what once was

Hard to let it all go

If we can all grieve, come together, and heal collectively, we can make this next chapter of life safe and sound